Transformation

Some things are so transformative that we don't recognize the degree to which things will change until the waves of those changes fall over us. The iPad is like that for me. The speech recognition software has altered everything about how I right. It allows me to go directly to thought into word. It allows the musicality of the words in my brain expressed so immediately beautiful. I am in awe of the way it has opened a world to me that I thought nearly inaccessible because of the way it tied me to space. Not because I didn't want to write.  No, it was because of the weight and heaviness associated with carting a computer every which way and where I went. The way in which computer forces you into a particular form and function and space, preventing your thoughts from expressing themselves without edit and into a particular form and function. The iPad and it's speech recognition is freeing from such structured thought. That allows the open expression into a world unexplored.

I had no real reason to need or want an iPad. I just knew that I wanted to have one. I was resistant to the electronic book. I had the means of accessing the Internet, whenever I wanted. So, in terms of need, I had no need. But no interest in accessing Tracy games whenever and wherever I wanted. The idea of putting my nose into another electronic device all day long was repulsive. I spend enough time on a computer at work. The constant availability of email and voicemail is stressful. And yet, I knew that I wanted one. So my husband and I gifted ourselves with iPads this year. I haven't had it a week, and I already know that this was will transform my life as much as having a cell phone did. I resisted that one also.

I believe that this iPad will transform nearly every aspect of my life in more ways than I can possibly imagine now. As of yet, I don't know what I think about that. But it is a truism that once Pandora's box is open we cannot close it. Some say, "Enjoy the ride!" I suppose, that's just what I intend to do.

Changes

This has been a year of changes. Ones that I am reluctantly beginning to face - not without a bit of fear, trepedation, and a lot of anger (truth be told). None of those matter though when it's time to get down to the business of moving on and facing reality. We have to play the hands we are dealt, when it is all said and done.  It's up to finesse the last trick or play the hand like the cards lay the way you need them to win the hand, if that's needed. Complaints or cries of "Unfair!" get you nowhere.  Still, it feels darned unfair.  There, I said it. Now, it's time to get on with the business of playing my hand.  Anyone who knows my family knows that we are good at that. 

I've had to make a lot of choices this year and simplify, then simplify again, and then yet again. It's been a hard, sometimes lonely, process.  The number of "should's" in my life has dramatically decreased, mostly so that I fail less often and am able to forgive myself more. I just cannot handle the stress they induce. Birthdays have gone unacknowledged and so much more. The truth is most days, other than work and helping the children, I get one thing, perhaps two if I am lucky, That measures up to dinner and one other. I am hopeful that I will improve over the next few months, but until then, I do what I can do and forgive myself the rest.

I was able to get out Christmas cards. That made me feel really good. I enjoy sending out cards and other acknowledgments, although I don't do it nearly as often as I would like. In fact, I enjoy sending them out as much as I enjoy receiving them. This holiday, I didn't do much other than work. Now that my children are home, I'm spending most of my time getting them to clean the room and working on projects with them. That would be more enjoyable if I didn't also have to work full-time. There always seems to be so much to do.

I've started thinking really carefully about what I want for this new year. Rarely, do I spend time making New Year's resolutions. I generally think that that's something we reinvent every single day of our lives. However, this year it seems to be more important to think about what I really want and how I'm going to get it. Pacing has become so much more important to my life. I'm going through the full process: family, home, relationships, children, professional, network, ... , personal, and health.. All of those things that are part of the cornerstones of our lives.  I should not forget health or personal, that is, after all, why I'm going through this exercise in the first place.

In some cases things that you would think would be "Should's" are turning out the things that I want to do for my personal friendships and network. That's why I got out Christmas cards this year. It is something that brings me so much joy, and I think it also brings joy to others. I want to do more of that this year to reach out to friends and family. It is such an important part of our lives that is easily neglected in this hustle and bustle of the electronic age.

Working through my exercise plan is perhaps the hardest thing me. This time last year I was well on my way to my black belt in tae kwon do, and I was training for a 10K in Richmond in March. I never used to think much about physicality, working out, and getting up to walk a 10K without training. Now, however, I have to give it a lot of consideration. I know longer have the stamina I once had. Overnight, it just seems to have disappeared like water dripping through my fingers. I have to learn pacing, and I would be lying if I said I was happy about it. I am not. Definitely not! I am angry about it. So, screaming about it won't help. In fact, it will only make it worse. So, there's nothing to do about it but learn how to pace myself. 

So, I'm starting easy as is recommended on multiple websites across the board. Five minutes at a time on Wii fit. It drives me crazy. I feel like I should do more; but if I do, then I spend the next day, sometimes two days, flat out, exhausted, unable to move or think. I just can't afford that. Everybody needs me. And so I starting out small, ever so tiny steps moving me in the direction back to fitness. The worst part is that the doctors don't even say that it will help with the pain. Mostly, they are concerned with cardiovascular fitness and maintaining overall health. They don't have many answers, and I have lots questions. At least I know the pain isn't injury. That's something; not much, but something.

I'm working on sleep. Sleep has never been a thing I've been good at in my life. Insomnia has been the rule rather than the exception, I am afraid. However, I am following the best advice of the doctors to do what I can to help myself. I am not going to take this lying down, as it were. I will fight for this. In bed by 10:30. Asleep, hopefully, soon after. Trying very hard to be up by 7:00, no later than 7:30.

Sleep and exercise are two of the top requirements to with my pain. The next, by far, is stress. Stress, now, is a much, much bigger problem. I really do not have an effective means for dealing with the stresses of my life. I don't have a choice other than to work full-time. That would be very difficult if I had to get up every morning to commute for the office everyday. Under those circumstances, I'm not sure I would do anything other than sleep, eat, and work. I've done that before, and I can no longer burn the candle at both ends. It is a small blessing that I can work from my home.

The stresses of dealing with all the requirements of the children's schools is one I cannot fathom how to conquer. I can't find a happy medium. Just treading water requires an excessive amount of effort. And effort that seems I am the only one willing to put forth. It is as disheartening as it is exhausting. I will have to find a way, though, because what I am doing now is not working. It isn't working for anyone, on any of the goals, at any level.

This post isn't nearly as triumphant as I had intended when I started it. I look at what I wrote, and it reads more defeated than I had intended, or even, that I feel. I suppose, though, that triumph isn't the right feeling for where I am right now. Triumph as a feeling of winning, of overcoming adversity and standing at the top of the mountain. Triumph isn't where I stand today. Today, I stand at a crossroads with determination my companion. Determination explains this feeling more accurately than triumph. I think determination may come through in this post. 

I am determined to get back to being able to exercise. I love exercise. I love sports. I want my black belt. I want to be able to walk the 10K with my husband. If I can run that 10K, I would be exhilarated! I and determined to do it I need to do to be that woman I see myself. That means taking the medicine prescribed, I will do that. If that means going to sleep at 10 o'clock, I will do that. If that means that I must pace myself to walk on the Wii for only five minutes at a stretch, I will do that. I will take the steps I need to make to reduce the stress in my life. I don't yet know what those steps are, but I will find out. 

I thought when I first wrote this post that it would be about winning, about defeating this irritating, annoying, life stealing diagnosis. I was wrong. It is, instead, about the determination to fight through the consequences of this diagnosis. It is about acknowledging the work that I need to do to come across the other end of that whole. Complete. A full person that realizes her needs and her wants. In many ways, it is about acceptance.

God, grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer has been with me for my entire life. More and more,  it seems to be driving my life. It seems to be a prevailing theme for the last five years. It seems a fitting way to end this post as we close the year 2013. It also seems a fitting way to open the new year, 2014.

With that, I will close this post and wish everyone a happy new year.

The new normal

I feel like my life has become one of varying degrees of pain and exhaustion. 

And another one ...

Have another idea for a book.  Somehow I need to make the time to storyboard all these ideas, sketch out the elevator speech, find a reputable agent and write enough so that he/she takes the risk, sell the idea and get them written.  How to put all that time together, though?  Flylady would say, "fifteen minutes a day," and she would be right.  Those fifteen minute segments sure add up though, especially when your obligated time takes up so much of the day like mine does.  Still, these books need to be written.  It's certainly a whole hell of a lot more fun than my day job.

What can be done, should be overdone

This silly blog, while fun, hasn't gotten completely out of control.  Been wanting to get the TKD stuff out of out my head for a long time.  I have tried in multiple formats, but have never quite been able to get it done.  Finally, I have found a format that works.  It's too much fun though, and I am spending way too much time on it. ... sigh.

BlogSpot, you're driving me crazy

Been working all day on this darn BlogSpot when I should have been doing something else, I am sure.  I finally have it the way I want, but the darn Welcome pages are all reverting to the first page on the list, instead of keeping the order I want.  If it happens again, I will just have to reorder the darn pages so that the "Main" page is always on the top and the other pages are listed below.  Annoying!

Breaking back the insanity

Working through the insanity. Progress may be made yet.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

My last two days have been filled with mourning.  My poignant loss is illusionary though.  I don't think that I ever actually had the thing that I am mourning.  It doesn't make coping with its absence any easier, I am afraid.  Mourning the loss of something I never really had.  It seems foolish.  I would say, "Crazy!" but not recognizing that it is gone and never existed would be crazier still. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein

This is what I desperately try to avoid.

Still, I am having trouble integrating my new reality.  This thing, I thought I had but never was, was at the foundation of my rediscovering myself.  To have it vanish means restructuring that essence anew.  Melodramatic and hyperbolic, to be sure, but nevertheless, my world is askew.  It will take some effort to right it again.

Perfection

Life is good when there is baseball.

Oh, the thinks you can think! – Dr. Seuss

I am tired, but I can't sleep.  The doctor changed my medication last week, since I am apparently allergic to what I had previously been taking.  It wore off to the point I could no longer concentrate, just in time to go to bed, but it appears not enough to actually allow me to sleep.  Tired and wired - what a lovely combination.

The meds are of such a low dose that I am surprised that they work at all.  It's pretty amazing the difference one tiny pill can make.  Once it kicks in, I am able to start and let distractions of thought, children, animals, co-workers, spouse, and the various pulls of life roll away.  It's different than I expected, though.  I think I thought it would allow me to turn on my hyper-focus super-power.  The medicine allows me to concentrate, but it isn't like hyper-focusing at all.  It's strange and so new to me that I can hardly describe it.  When things come to interrupt me, as things do, - whether its an idea, impulse, person, or new need - I am able to attend or shunt it aside, whichever is appropriate.

When I am hyper-focusing on a project, sure, I am in The Zone and able to concentrate, accomplishing hours of work in a fraction of the time.  Mostly because nothing else matters.  There are no breaks for sleep, food, or rest.  The time and energy it takes to achieve this state of neurological lightning generates anxiety.  The anxiety builds to a tipping point when faced with a deadline that create the conditions for entry.  An inability to enter this state for whatever uncontrollable reason, if the deadline is real and consequences certain, provokes pain.  The underlying anxiety, the difficulty with entering The Zone, awareness of how tenuous is the ability to remain there, and the near-certainty that failure to enter and maintain hold on it will result in FAILURE set the conditions for the hyper-focus experience.  Thoughts are barely contained:  each thought, one after the other, elusive to maintain.  What was I going to do next?  All interruptions are met with irritation.  Will this be the one that rips me away from my ability to complete this project?   

The medication allows me to get started.  The anxiety doesn't have a chance to build.  My thoughts are more ordered less chaotic, but somehow still nimble and creative.  Strangely, I don't have to worry about "remembering" my ideas until they become broken records in my mind.  I am able to put them in their proper places, one after another.  I still find tasks boring, and I still work on the "wrong" things, but, somehow, I am able to keep moving at a steady pace rather than in fits and starts.

Now to get the dosing right so I can turn my brain off and go to sleep.  The ideas are bouncing around in there.  Bells are dinging, lights are flashing.  I'd like the whole thing to go tilt for the night, though.  Stop it all, and let the ball fall down. 

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” – Dr. Seuss 

Goodnight.

UPDATE – 19 April 2013:  I added a new BlogSpot for my ADHD-adventures.  It has various information I find interesting about ADHD, my meandering thoughts on the subject, and more posts on topics like this.