And another one ...

Have another idea for a book.  Somehow I need to make the time to storyboard all these ideas, sketch out the elevator speech, find a reputable agent and write enough so that he/she takes the risk, sell the idea and get them written.  How to put all that time together, though?  Flylady would say, "fifteen minutes a day," and she would be right.  Those fifteen minute segments sure add up though, especially when your obligated time takes up so much of the day like mine does.  Still, these books need to be written.  It's certainly a whole hell of a lot more fun than my day job.

What can be done, should be overdone

This silly blog, while fun, hasn't gotten completely out of control.  Been wanting to get the TKD stuff out of out my head for a long time.  I have tried in multiple formats, but have never quite been able to get it done.  Finally, I have found a format that works.  It's too much fun though, and I am spending way too much time on it. ... sigh.

BlogSpot, you're driving me crazy

Been working all day on this darn BlogSpot when I should have been doing something else, I am sure.  I finally have it the way I want, but the darn Welcome pages are all reverting to the first page on the list, instead of keeping the order I want.  If it happens again, I will just have to reorder the darn pages so that the "Main" page is always on the top and the other pages are listed below.  Annoying!

Breaking back the insanity

Working through the insanity. Progress may be made yet.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

My last two days have been filled with mourning.  My poignant loss is illusionary though.  I don't think that I ever actually had the thing that I am mourning.  It doesn't make coping with its absence any easier, I am afraid.  Mourning the loss of something I never really had.  It seems foolish.  I would say, "Crazy!" but not recognizing that it is gone and never existed would be crazier still. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein

This is what I desperately try to avoid.

Still, I am having trouble integrating my new reality.  This thing, I thought I had but never was, was at the foundation of my rediscovering myself.  To have it vanish means restructuring that essence anew.  Melodramatic and hyperbolic, to be sure, but nevertheless, my world is askew.  It will take some effort to right it again.

Perfection

Life is good when there is baseball.

Oh, the thinks you can think! – Dr. Seuss

I am tired, but I can't sleep.  The doctor changed my medication last week, since I am apparently allergic to what I had previously been taking.  It wore off to the point I could no longer concentrate, just in time to go to bed, but it appears not enough to actually allow me to sleep.  Tired and wired - what a lovely combination.

The meds are of such a low dose that I am surprised that they work at all.  It's pretty amazing the difference one tiny pill can make.  Once it kicks in, I am able to start and let distractions of thought, children, animals, co-workers, spouse, and the various pulls of life roll away.  It's different than I expected, though.  I think I thought it would allow me to turn on my hyper-focus super-power.  The medicine allows me to concentrate, but it isn't like hyper-focusing at all.  It's strange and so new to me that I can hardly describe it.  When things come to interrupt me, as things do, - whether its an idea, impulse, person, or new need - I am able to attend or shunt it aside, whichever is appropriate.

When I am hyper-focusing on a project, sure, I am in The Zone and able to concentrate, accomplishing hours of work in a fraction of the time.  Mostly because nothing else matters.  There are no breaks for sleep, food, or rest.  The time and energy it takes to achieve this state of neurological lightning generates anxiety.  The anxiety builds to a tipping point when faced with a deadline that create the conditions for entry.  An inability to enter this state for whatever uncontrollable reason, if the deadline is real and consequences certain, provokes pain.  The underlying anxiety, the difficulty with entering The Zone, awareness of how tenuous is the ability to remain there, and the near-certainty that failure to enter and maintain hold on it will result in FAILURE set the conditions for the hyper-focus experience.  Thoughts are barely contained:  each thought, one after the other, elusive to maintain.  What was I going to do next?  All interruptions are met with irritation.  Will this be the one that rips me away from my ability to complete this project?   

The medication allows me to get started.  The anxiety doesn't have a chance to build.  My thoughts are more ordered less chaotic, but somehow still nimble and creative.  Strangely, I don't have to worry about "remembering" my ideas until they become broken records in my mind.  I am able to put them in their proper places, one after another.  I still find tasks boring, and I still work on the "wrong" things, but, somehow, I am able to keep moving at a steady pace rather than in fits and starts.

Now to get the dosing right so I can turn my brain off and go to sleep.  The ideas are bouncing around in there.  Bells are dinging, lights are flashing.  I'd like the whole thing to go tilt for the night, though.  Stop it all, and let the ball fall down. 

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” – Dr. Seuss 

Goodnight.

UPDATE – 19 April 2013:  I added a new BlogSpot for my ADHD-adventures.  It has various information I find interesting about ADHD, my meandering thoughts on the subject, and more posts on topics like this.